Disasterpiece Colon – Bachelor Burrito Edition

Today’s recipe is a guest post from my best friend Charlie. Enjoy.

It was a dark and stormy night…
(in my anus, after I ate this)

(that sort of rhymed)

Few bachelors in the history of the world have ever gone to such trouble to eat poorly. This is my gift to the world.

You’re Welcome.

I decided to approach my bachelor chow with the mind of a chef, anything worth doing, is worth doing well. Here is how I prepared my mac and cheese burritos…

The Pasta…

First of all, I created a pasta medley. I went through my cabinets and found three pastas that had similar cooking times, and combined them: mini-shells, tri-color garden rotini, and elbows. Seeing as how the rotini had the shortest cooking time, they would contribute the color to the dish (plating is so important when you’re eating pseudo-food in your underwear at 2am) and the shells and elbows would contribute the texture and bite. I seasoned the boiling water with kosher salt, Rockerbox dehydrated garlic flakes, dried parsley, dried basil, and dried oregano, as well as extra virgin olive oil. I left the pasta at a rolling boil for eleven minutes.

The Tortillas…

I prepared my tortillas the way I always do, sprinkle generously with four cheese 2% mexican blend, then microwave for 20 seconds on a plate to get the cheese tacky but not melted.

The Chicken…

I decided to throw a curve ball in the mix tonight and add some healthy protein, Tyson frozen chicken nuggets (I splurged and got the breast meat nuggets). These were baked in a dirty toaster oven that contributed a flavor profile not unlike the culinary history of a good cast iron skillet passed down from generation to generation. After baking for ten minutes at 400, turning over halfway, they smelled fucking delicious.

The Cheese…

Here is where the magic really happened. I had the packet of three cheese powder that came with the mini-shells, but I wanted to bump it up a few notches. I remembered I had a leftover packet of the premixed “deluxe” style plastic cheese that came with the elbows, this was their four cheese blend, but I find it to be boring, so now I just add it to other mac and cheese for the creaminess. But the pièce de résistance was the extra sharp Wisconsin cheddar that I added, about a quarter cup of.

Putting it all together…

After I drained the pasta, and nuked the tortillas, I diced the chicken nuggets and placed a base of nugget dices about in the tortilla.

I then put about two tablespoons of softened butter into the pasta pot, and let that melt in the pasta. Next I added the shredded Wisconsin cheddar, and about three tablespoons of the deluxe pre-mixed four cheese plastic. I mixed all that up well, then poured a third of the three cheese powder packet in, and mixed. Once the pasta was evenly coated with that mixture, I added a third a cup of milk and continued mixing. After the ingredients were well blended, I placed the pot back on the burner at medium heat, as the milk has started to cool the mixture, which impedes proper melting. Melting is so important when you’re dealing with products that are probably not fit for human consumption. I poured the rest of the powder packet in and maybe a quarter cup of milk, and continue mixing. At this point, the mixture is even, and all the pasta is coated, but there is too much milk, so I let it sit for a moment on the burner, until the milky cheese sauce starts to bubble and evaporate, stirring every few seconds and letting it cook for about a minute.

The pasta was at the appropriate heat, so I spooned out the mac and cheese onto the chicken nuggets on the tortilla, covering well. I then rolled the tortilla up, set aside, and repeated the process on the second tortilla. The remainder of the mac and cheese went in a bowl and the two burritos were nuked for twenty seconds to reheat, then rearranged for plating.

When prepared properly, the balance of the pillowy tortilla and slightly past al dente pasta is contrasted well with the crunchy exterior of the chicken nuggets. The unnaturally chickeny flavor of the chicken nuggets (I can only assume they saturate these things in chicken broth immediately before flash freezing) cuts the cheesy overload of the rest of the dish. While the two different types of fake plastic cheddar product and the two types of real cheddar cheese are the most obvious flavors, the fake plastic parmesan, asiago, and monterey jack create a subtle and elegant finish on the tongue.

This dish is best served with a double dose of lactaid, and on a night when you have the bed to yourself because you are going to be farting a LOT. It’s not so bad right after eating, but when you wake up in the morning, after that has festered in your gut all night, the smell of what escapes you is unholy and I can only imagine the cloud of stink would be black if you dared look at it. This is a dish to enjoy before or after relationships. Bon Appétit.

6 thoughts on “Disasterpiece Colon – Bachelor Burrito Edition

  1. A masterpiece. I had chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese for dinner last night. I didn’t have the genius to combine it into one cylindrical monster. I did notice some farting from my husband later on but that isn’t unusual. I’m a lady so I don’t fart.

  2. ROTFL. OMG I don’t think I’ve laughed this much and this hard for a long time. As Genie says above, a masterpiece (I’m assuming she is referring to the Bachelor Burrito and the post).

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